I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
