just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
