Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
