Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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