I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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