You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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