he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
