i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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