but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
