my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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