why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
