If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
