ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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