help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
