I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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