I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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