Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
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I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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