if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.