im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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