I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
