mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Who died my cat blue again?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
