is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
