So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
