I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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