YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
