I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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