I will die if light touches me.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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