I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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