Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
