Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
