i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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