forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
