Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
