She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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