You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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