he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
