Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My vagina is officially offended.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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