I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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