Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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