I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
