Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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