Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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