my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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