Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
