tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You are a genius and a whore.
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