Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
