I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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