I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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