i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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