I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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