I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
