Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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