then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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