I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
