i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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