They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
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SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
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Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We need to get me chipped asap
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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